When your legs feel like coiled springs it's hard to stay seated and more or less stationary. At times I feel like creating a whirlwind.

What do you do when someone keeps trying to hand you the keys to an empire?

A friend who hadn't seen me in about 7 years said that I'm now more elegant. So what does that mean I was before? Gangly?

I was at a police station recently (getting a report), when a man walked in and approached the main counter. He turned in a tazer, which he had found in a taxi that morning. He thought it was a cell phone or blackberry when he saw it, and when removing it from its case he burned his hand.

After he left a policeman accidentally shocked himself with it. The batteries were then removed. Even after that, another officer was shocked by it too. There was residual charge.

Why do they make things like this? I guess I'm a firm believer of the good ol' fist to the face.

People that aren't walking in a straight line throw me off.

"Red is my lucky number."

"Have you been hit on the head too many times today?"

A check for 24 cents??!?